Tis' a Blue Christmas

But no,I'm not going to whine about how it sucks to be sick during the holidays & how the year-end is an especially depressing time to be single & in town.

So,in true Christmas spirit,I'm going to pull up those thick socks,raise my prescribed-4 teaspoons-a-day of Benadryl in toast,draw my warm-water bottle close & tell my cold to go STUFF itself(i.e. in places other than down my lower respiratory tract).

I painted my toenails an explosive,tarty red for good measure.So what if I could pass off for Rudolph,what with my nose in its current predicament.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
'Tis the season to be jolly
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Merry Christmas,peeps!


PS:Next on the invalids agenda:
-Remind mom to pick up fresh box of tissues.
-Work on New Years resolutions
-Not to get into a tizzy over kiddie Santa flicks on HBO

Thank God for friends like these#1

Superwoman is back in town(yay!) with a broken leg(nay)
The irony of it all stings bad.
Anywho.I went visiting the invalid and I met up with Apsidaisy,who was back too.Everyones back but one.
Apsidaisy is my friend version of a holiday-fling.We first met during the most god-amazing week in Goa along with a truck-load of other awesome gal pals,4 years back.It was an instant click.And we've kept in touch desultorily since.But whenever we meet,its sheer,absolute,completely retarded fun.
During the course of our long rambling talks,the conversation veered to diets,and crazy ones at that(Perfect that we are,we're girls,remember!)

Superwoman:The most craziest diet I've heard of needs you to restrict your water intake to 2 glasses a day,so that your muscles are better defined.

Apsidaisy:Yikes!

Superwoman:Seriously.
My friend,Dick,was on this diet,when he was competing for Mr. Penn

*Silence(the kind when you'd hear the pin dropping)*

Apsidaisy(telepathically):do mine ears deceive me?or did she just say what I think she did.

Me(mentally chanting):Dont laugh..dont laugh...dont laugh...her family is around..dont laugh..she has relatives over...dont laugh..dont laugh...dont----* Giggle Loop style explosion*

Honest.You cant make this kind of stuff up.

*********************************************************

Over lunch,with Richie rich:

Me:So there was this time when I had this 23 yr old healthy patient and he went into syncope*.I was totally flipping out.......

Richie Rich(silently):That is exactly why man invented make-up.

Me:(continuing without a pause).......and worrying about never getting my license and basically wondering how I'm going to keep up with my more-than-average standard-of-living if I had to take up busking around god-knows-where......


Bastard



*syncope-cerebral hypoxia.
Fainting,for you laymen.

*********************************************************
There are Part-tayyys and there are parties.Ambiguity and me were headed out to one such soiree that fell in the latter category and we knew it before we got there.And I'm not too good at feigning enthusiasm.So,I got my ensemble ready in 45 seconds.When i say ensemble,I'm referring to an old worn-out pair of jeans,a white blouse post head-on collision with chicken curry-all cloaked under an oversized RED corduroy jacket.But,I guess,you gotta do what you gotta do.Ambiguity was equally skeptical but she was looking nice in her whole ethnic attire

Me:(pointing at her kurta)Hey,nice...very boho...

Ambiguity:Thank you...but why do you look like a hobo?

Its been nice knowing you, oversized RED corduroy jacket.

************************************************************************

My friend,the Extern was in college with me and just ahead of me on the roll-call sheet.That was till she defected.So,I don't get to meet her that often and we met the other night at Spaghetti Kitchen,for another friends birthday party,after quite some time.I seem to have forgotten that the Extern has this predilection towards having the occasional blonde moment...like,every 20 mins or so.

So I was in complete mouth-agape mode when she rushed to me quivering in shock and giddy excitement,when she returned from the loo,which is on the mezzanine floor of the place.

Extern:People!There is this table of around 10 Chinese kids with 5 adults above and each of them has a Playboy in their hands,completely engrossed...while they are at dinner!

Me:shaddup

Tarot twit:Kids?with Playboys?with adults around?at dinner?

*The guys at the table make a mad scramble for the stairs*

Extern:YES!Why don't you'll believe me?go see for yourself...my parents never let my brother have his Playboy at the dinner table.They're so lucky!

Me(head spinning):WHAT?

Tarot twit(sagely):And the world wonders why China is so ahead of its times...


The guys return.Looking mighty pissed.Before we know it-

*Loud thunk*


Extern(rubbing head):Owwww...why did you hit me?

Book-verm(snarls):There is a difference between GAMEboys and PLAYboys,you FOOL!

Clearly,I have no motor skills..

I did not intend for this to look like Cartman's head-gear.

We just found a Razzies nominee

I'm a person of simple tastes.Trashy Bollywood music and nonsensical masala flicks are one of my many guilty pleasures.I hum 'Oye Oye' and 'Jumma Chumma De De' when I think no ones watching.But this ,to say the least,is an abomination.AN ABOMINATION!
This movie,I have been told,is a copy of Woody Allen's Husbands and Wives.I can take the Hindi movie rubbishy plotlines;the schizophrenic music(one song CAN have the dholak,tanpura,keyboard,sitar,flute,percussion,guitar AND the saxophone along with the bass guitar.Don't believe me?Ask Bappi);the pelvic thrusts and the bosom heaving and the creepy flowers intertwining.
What I can't take is wannabe,pseudo-neo realistic wave,look-at-me-Hollywood kinda cinema.
It upsets my,errr,sensibilities.

These are the lyrics of the song Irfan Khan sings while having relations of the kinky kind,with a high-pitched,hammy starlet.I kid thee not:

Meri Fantasy Come & See, Meri Fantasy
Agar Main Pizza Delivery Boy Hota…
To 20 Minute Mein Hot Hot Tere Saath Hota
Darwaza Tum Kholti Has Ke Meri Bell Pe
Buy One Get One More Free, Offer Hote Tarah Tarah Ke
Meri Fantasy Come & See, Meri Fantasy

Sample the OST that plays when the credits roll:

I see a ring on your fing
and my heart wants to swing

It’ S Not My Fault, I Need My Space
Bedroom Mein Sote Nahi, Face To Face
Commitment Ka Kya Matlab Hain, Saath Saath Sona
Saath Baith T.V Dekhna, Same Vo Rona Dhona
Kitna Kuch Hain Karne Ko, Give Me A Break Give Me A Break
Relationship Is Like A Narrow Break, (Leave It Or Take It)

Live-In Long Time, Back Seat Wow Wow
Kitchen Mein Shower Mein, Everything Now Now
Par Ab To Time Nahi Hain, Pressure Hain Dabaao Dabaao..
(Uthale Ya Phenk De, Lele Ya Chhod De)

Naa My Life Is A Missed Call, Tere Mere Beech Mein Hain China Ki Wall
Ab To Neighbour Ka Husband Bhi, Achchha Lagta Hain
Friend Ki Wife Ka Kutta Bhi, Beautiful Lagta Hain
Duniyaa Bhar Mein Sab Kudey, I Wanna Job You Wanna Job
Hawwa Ka Hot Is Gubbare Mein, I Wanna A Bomb You Wanna Bomb
Pehle To Home Science Ki Kami Hain Wow Wow
Meri Itch Bhi Hain Jyada , To Ghataao
Kaisa Hain Confusion , Bachaao Bachaao Bachaao..

The last paragraph made no sense to me.Anyone?

What I dont get is that this movie had-

a)Rahul Bose

b)Konkona Sensharma

c)Irfan Khan

d)Rahul Khanna

e)Soha Ali Khan

Why any of them thought this movie was a good idea is beyond me.

PS:Lazy dog lady thinks I'm a prude.According to her,this is because I got all "giggly" in the umm..naughty bits.
Note to self:Practice cringing in front of the mirror.Apparently,the distaste isn't evident enough.

I think we just killed the lame-O-meter:Part 1

G-talk conversation at 1 am IST:

Me:what are you getting me from Accra*?

Wanderlust:Meeeee

Me:Hmph!you!
What do I do with you?Get me stuff and I promise to love you forever.

Wanderlust:Please!Don't get all materialistic on me.

Me:I am.Material Girl.

Wanderlust:Please.If you're Material Girl,then I am...

Me:Promiscuous Girl!
(Guffaws)

Wanderlust:Superwoman is coming back to town too(yippety yay!)
She's going to want to be something too....
(Silence)

Me:(Silence)

(Brainwave!!!)

Me:Desi Girl,
My Desi Girl,Girl,Girl

(LOL's & ROFL's flying around)

We did find this hilarious then(scratches head)...stay with me.I promise you there's something here...


*Accra=capital and most populous city of Ghana.

Its been a week already

Yesterday,me and my three got off work early,had some rare free time on our hands and went to catch a movie(Dil Kabaddi; but thats another story).Now what New Bombay lacks in other departments,it makes up in terms of sheer ample space.The multiplex we were headed to was housed at the topmost floor of this sprawling,chrome and glass structure of a mall.As we took the escalator upstairs,what struck me was the smooth traffic flow on the escalator,no jostling,no waiting impatiently as escalator newbies made a spectacle of themselves,hopping on and off the bottom of the escalator gingerly.Then it struck me what was odd-there were like 50 people in a place clearly capable of accommodating 50,000.
My cellphone beeped the following message:"False rumours spreading regd possible attacks on vital installations and airports.They are baseless and devoid of facts-Mumbai Police".Clearly it didn't work though-considering people preferred to stay put at home than venture out,on a Friday night.
I purposely delayed writing about 26/11 as much as I could,for the simple reason that I didn't know how I felt about it.Like most other Indians,for me,it was not the same this time.Most other attacks of this kind,they barely register- it is that easy to turn a blind eye and carry on with the niggling teeny worries of our inconsequential lives.This time,it hit and it hit hard-at that tiny island of conscience within us; isolated from the rest of our ant-like consciousness by a moat of our own indifference. Ignorance is bliss they say and is by far the easier pick.
I was leaving a party,that Wednesday,when I heard about the attack.My immediate thought ,I am ashamed to say,was that my appointment book was completely blocked for the next day and what a pain it was going to be to juggle those around.It's become so routine, these events-hence that knee-jerk reaction. I processed the information for a few moments before better sense made me place calls to ensure that my people were fine.
It was different this time.I have a few theories about why it hurt particularly bad this time-

• It was Bombay,not Malegaon.There is a difference;however wrong it is to make such an unfair distinction.Doesn't matter that no one wants to admit it.
• It was the Taj and the Oberoi that took the beating this time.When the trains,marketplaces etc got targeted earlier,the wallets just bleated out the right noises.Having had your home-turf invaded must have been a rude shock,if I may say so,without meaning to belittle their loss .Plus the Taj being symbolic of permanence and beauty in this concrete-mired island of ours.Coupled with the obvious deliberate inclusion of foreigners;thus lending financial implications to the affair.
• It was a 56 hour-long LIVE footage.Reminiscent of Palestine,Kabul,Bosnia,Serbia,Baghdad and closer home-Kashmir.I mean.we're talking about BOMBAY!
  

That weekend,I watched the news and watched enough of it to make up for 21 years worth of apathy towards news reporting.I lived in front of the television that weekend,read the papers cover to cover(and I'm not talking about the Bombay Times or Mumbai Mirror here).My mind screamed overload,but I wanted to take it all in,blocking absolutely nothing out.Emotionally exhausted with the onslaught,I pushed myself to work on Friday;my mind clearly on what was still playing out at south Bombay,at that time.Distraction did not come so easily this time,as we were herded back home following rumours of fresh attacks.
I was outraged,yes.Still am,at the audacity and the ease with which 10 mentally ill people held a entire city hostage.Surprised?NO.It was coming.India is a lesson of how derailed democracy can get if you let it.We are governed by people who are self-serving,at the best;caught with their mouth wrapped around their foots,more often than not.Pseudo-secular that we are;how long did we think we could go on,ignoring the elephant in the living room?It is this division that is going to be the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back;namely our crumbling,murky,inefficient and corrupt government machinery.
I'm done with impotent anger and helplessness;I had enough of it the past weekend.Outraged self-righteousness cant last forever-we are responsible somewhere and we know it.Pop-patriotism can get you only get you so far-bombing Pakistan isn't going to accomplish much,international migraine that it might be.Lets leave the jingoism for the B-grade Sunny Deol flicks.
Everyone around me seems to want answers.GOOD.Never before have I seen such enthusiasm and unity.Witness the number of Facebook events & groups,peace marches,candle-lit vigils as well as reams of print media devoted to the same.Public anger,if directed at the right area and gets the desired accountability-nothing like it.Political musical chairs,with one inarticulate incompetent Home minister being dropped for an articulate image-salvaging bureaucrat does not cut it.But cynicism is one way of protecting yourself.I should know,I am one.Being aware is the first step,what do you if you don't get the answers.Who will provide the solutions?Where do we even begin to clean up our act?
When we resumed normal lives after a nerve-wracking weekend,I expected the usual public amnesia.That hasn't set in.Yet.Political heads are rolling.Only time will tell if this new-found public consciousness and solidarity is here to stay and what changes it does or does not effect.
We must REMEMBER.But there are times when I wish I could forget;anything to dull the pin-pricks of guilt,anger and pain that keep surfacing;anything for things to go back to the way they were before terrorism became a regular front-page fixture along with the morning cup of cha.My beautiful city of old,is this what it took,for us to re-discover our love for a now-ravaged you?