Things people say

Daddykins: "Take life seriously.Don't take yourself so seriously."

Ambiguity: "You want a silver lining?I think you just dodged a bullet there"

Rod Stewart:"The first cut is the deepest...."

Free Verse:"Repeat after me- Indifference.Indifference.Indifference.
And a day will come when you look yourself in the eye,in the mirror and tell yourself-you're cool;giving yourself a big thumbs-up."

Jack Black: "Either you're single and lonely or you're in a relationship and bored"

Doogie Howser:"Welcome back.Loads of room on the bench"(Hes too nice to say this out loud though)

Richie Rich: "You think your life sucks now?Cheer up,its only going to get worse"

D.H.Lawrence,Lady Chatterley's Lover:"Its no good trying to get rid of your own aloneness.You've got to stick to it all your life.Only at times,at times,the gap will be filled in.At times!But you have to wait for the times."

Superwoman:"Things are only as big as we let them be.I know its easier said than done-it IS extremely difficult to get your mind to wrap around that concept."

Rhett Butler,Gone With the Wind:"Frankly my dear,I don't give a damn."

Queen Siddie Rosemary:"Whats 11?
Male Siamese twins getting a boner"


I owe you one Sid.

Press Ctrl;H

Things that don't help:

1)Writing about it-which would make this an exercise in futility.
2)Talking about it-ever been on a roller coaster that wont let up?
3)Waterworks-unless you have an aspirin on standby.
4)Deleting stuff that meant something at some point.
5)Wondering why.
6)Blame games.
7)Playing 'Simon says' with you're motor training instructor hurling out instructions-I stalled the car in heavy traffic.
8)Good old 40 winks,which never failed me before.
9)Company.
10)Not being a cricket buff-you tried,IPL.
11)Listening to inordinate amounts of Coldplay.
12)Making jokes about it-no one laughs,I promise you.

Music & Lyrics

AIR 100.7FM plays Indian classical instrumental music from 10 to 12 every night.I chanced upon it yesterday,fiddling away with the radio dial,hoping to stumble upon distraction.
I caught the beginning strains of an instrument I couldn't identify and my finger stopped turning the dial.The next 30 minutes passed with me lying down on my bed in the dark,letting notes I didn't and couldn't recognise,wash over me in rapid succession as they built up to a harsh crescendo.30 minutes is a rough estimate because I kind of lost track of time.The harsh ascension of the notes crashing over each other drowned the white noise within.
And the best part-there was no denouement.It ended at the zenith.No nadir,no rock-bottom,no wrapping-up,no fizzling-out,no running out of steam,no reprieve,no running its natural course.
A polite,impersonal voice bordering on boredom informed me that I'd just witnessed a rendition of Raag Yaman on the tanpura;a raag to be sung after the twilight hours.Not that the name meant anything to me.
Next up was a depiction of Raag Sarang which began with the feeble,dulcet stirrings of the sitar with the dulcet notes blending amongst one another in perfect harmony.
I switched the radio off.

***************************************************************

Had the Ipod running on shuffle mode.It has this habit of regurgitating songs that have pretty much receded from my memory.This time it was an old U2 number.Sample this:

My hands are tied
My body bruised,shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

Seriously,you guys at Apple,how do you do it?Maybe its just plain old probability.Or maybe its the confirmation bias thats at work here.

Catch 22

I turned 22 around two months back.Its a little late for a bout of lets-springclean-year21-out, but as luck would have it, someones in an introspective mood.

Ask anyone who knows me,I've been the quintessential kid.The trumped-up brat who refuses to grow up.While other people my age are out working,earning,living alone,married(blink if you think it'll help) and doing the other things that grown-ups are supposed to indulge in,I'm:

a)Unemployed
b)And hence,living with my parents
c)And being somewhat masochistic,planning to study for another 4 years

As if the past 5 years I spent pursuing a bachelors degree wasn't enough.Not that I dont love what I'm doing.But still,some assurance as to where I'm headed and whether I'll actually get there,would be pretty welcome.

What do you do when there's nothing to anchor you?When your future is nebulous,murky and unformed?When you're single and beginning to doubt your ability to make something work;ever?How do you get rid of the feeling that you're no better off than driftwood?There will be the ones who love you unconditionally(as if there is any such thing),but..

Since its 2009 and a lot of people will agree with me,I think its high time I started acting my age.
Pruning out the inessentials-reprioritizing, reorganizing, restructuring..

For me,the definitive moment of (?)epiphany,came with the stark realization of how truly singular I am.Alone like everyone else is,shorn of all the trappings and effects.Your parents might kill for you,but they're not going to be around for long and anyways,its like we're speaking different languages most of the time.Significant (or not-so-significant) others may sadly never remain so always.Friends will be there but no amount of talking things over is going to stop that merry-go-round of thoughts in your head,spinning out of control;and frankly,they have their own lives.You could have followed the rule-book to the T to chart out your professional life,but there is that fickle bitch called fate\destiny\the chaos theory which will come along and send your dreams tumbling like a row of nine-pins.

All you can do is trudge on,internalizing everything yet hoping you don't break,trying not to attempt to make any sense out of it.Because there never is any..
You'll never even know where you went wrong.Things change,people change,loyalties change.Shit happens and all you can do is clean up.

You shut up and put up with it,try to numb it all away.Seal the chinks in your armor.Live without that part of you that died somewhere along the way,taking your innocence with it.Learn not to get too attached,work out contingency plans and throw yourself into work.Whatever it takes to get over that feeling of being akin to flotsam & jetsam in the currents of our fleeting and whimsical lives.Whatever it takes to hang onto your sanity

We are walked from our cradles to our graves by none but ourselves
I'm 22 and I'm scared