Catch 22

I turned 22 around two months back.Its a little late for a bout of lets-springclean-year21-out, but as luck would have it, someones in an introspective mood.

Ask anyone who knows me,I've been the quintessential kid.The trumped-up brat who refuses to grow up.While other people my age are out working,earning,living alone,married(blink if you think it'll help) and doing the other things that grown-ups are supposed to indulge in,I'm:

a)Unemployed
b)And hence,living with my parents
c)And being somewhat masochistic,planning to study for another 4 years

As if the past 5 years I spent pursuing a bachelors degree wasn't enough.Not that I dont love what I'm doing.But still,some assurance as to where I'm headed and whether I'll actually get there,would be pretty welcome.

What do you do when there's nothing to anchor you?When your future is nebulous,murky and unformed?When you're single and beginning to doubt your ability to make something work;ever?How do you get rid of the feeling that you're no better off than driftwood?There will be the ones who love you unconditionally(as if there is any such thing),but..

Since its 2009 and a lot of people will agree with me,I think its high time I started acting my age.
Pruning out the inessentials-reprioritizing, reorganizing, restructuring..

For me,the definitive moment of (?)epiphany,came with the stark realization of how truly singular I am.Alone like everyone else is,shorn of all the trappings and effects.Your parents might kill for you,but they're not going to be around for long and anyways,its like we're speaking different languages most of the time.Significant (or not-so-significant) others may sadly never remain so always.Friends will be there but no amount of talking things over is going to stop that merry-go-round of thoughts in your head,spinning out of control;and frankly,they have their own lives.You could have followed the rule-book to the T to chart out your professional life,but there is that fickle bitch called fate\destiny\the chaos theory which will come along and send your dreams tumbling like a row of nine-pins.

All you can do is trudge on,internalizing everything yet hoping you don't break,trying not to attempt to make any sense out of it.Because there never is any..
You'll never even know where you went wrong.Things change,people change,loyalties change.Shit happens and all you can do is clean up.

You shut up and put up with it,try to numb it all away.Seal the chinks in your armor.Live without that part of you that died somewhere along the way,taking your innocence with it.Learn not to get too attached,work out contingency plans and throw yourself into work.Whatever it takes to get over that feeling of being akin to flotsam & jetsam in the currents of our fleeting and whimsical lives.Whatever it takes to hang onto your sanity

We are walked from our cradles to our graves by none but ourselves
I'm 22 and I'm scared